25 Weeks - The Office Enemy

Hi Everyone!
    25 Weeks!!! This week, my anonymous office-enemy came back.  Yup, the jerk who keeps bringing in chocolates and leaving them in a huge bowl in the office kitchen.  Helpless, vulnerable, defenseless little chocolates.  Chocolates who STARE at me when I go into the refrigerator for my salad and my fruit ... chocolates who heckle me while my back is turned, but quickly silence as I turn to glare back with my preggo-evil eyed glare.  "Preggo!! Hey Preggo!! Over here! Eat us! We are small and can barely be counted as calories, we promise!! You will love us! Eat us!!! Go on ... it's ok, and while you're at it, don't just take one of us.  Take a few! We prefer to travel in packs!!!"


Before I know it, my preggo reflexes jump into action.  Under normal preggo circumstances, my once athletic and agile body has taken on the dynamic velocity of a slug.  However, when faced with heckling chocolate and a very brief moment of solidarity in the kitchen, I am hypnotized by the image of a chocolate-induced drunken state at my desk. My turtle-like movements quickly transform into the swift reactions of a cat on steroids.  Chocolate steroids. 


I take a quick glance out to the hallway to make sure that the coast is clear, and when I see that no one is coming, I respectfully only take 2, maybe 3 little chocolates and turn back to my salad which, masked by my adrenaline, seems to have dulled in the presence of chocolate gold.  I turn back around and can't help but notice that miraculously, still no one is coming to arrest me for chocolate kidnapping.  So, without the ability to see straight anymore, I sneak a quick hand back into the bowl for a few, 4, 5, 6 more pieces of chocolate.  The next thing I know, I am like a zombie who has found the last human being on the planet.  Covered in chocolate blood, I try to see how many chocolates I can fit in one hand, while still able to conceal the evidence on the walk back to my office.  Heaven forbid if I might have a bag with me to pocket the goods into.  

Once I'm back in my office, I put my sensible salad and fruit on my desk and sport my poker face ... no one knows that I am the chocolate thief.  If anyone asks "whoa, where did all the chocolates go?", they would never consider me, the salad-eating, innocent pregnant lady.  Nope!  And then the guilt hits me.  The guilt as I open my top drawer, the "candy hiding drawer", and I transport handful after handful of chocolate morsels into their new jail cell.  The reality of how many chocolate handfuls I actually managed to take sets in!  But now that I've taken them, I cant possibly bring them back for fear of being uncovered as Public Enemy #1 in the office, guilty for hogging all of the goodness. So, instead of admitting my fault, I take a mini-notebook and cover the chocolate so no one can see the heaping pile, should I open my drawer in the presence of another human being.


Another mission accomplished by the famished, pregnant, chocoholic.


Phew ... the above is most likely part of why I feel like a blimp these days!  I haven't weighed myself since my last doctor's visit, but I am sure that I'm nearing 20lbs gained at this point.  The babe is gaining quickly, and I am just as quickly looking the part.


That being said, lets have a quick moment to reflect on an interesting phenomena I will call, "You Can Say Anything to a Preggo And Apparently It Doesn't Matter".  This must be what people think when they address a pregnant person about her size/shape/looks.  Under normal circumstances no one with two semi-functioning brain cells would ever say anything to a woman about her size, but once she becomes pregnant, seemingly all rules can be broken without issue.


Apparently people think that anything you say to a pregnant woman about her size, shape, looks, is always a POSITIVE thing because, hey, you're pregnant!  But at the end of the day, no matter how you slice it, you're basically saying to her, "wow, you look FATTER than you usually look!". 

Don't all pregnant people want to know how BIG they look? My theory is that ... few do, but most don't.  Especially someone like myself who practices fitness and personal health as an act of everyday life, like brushing my teeth and telling Charlie how handsome he is everyday (yes, I will say this, and probably worse to my son ... can't help it. and he will hate every woman in his life except his adoring mommy.)


I cannot speak for every pregnant woman out there, because I know that there are some who love to see how big they are, and can't get enough of it.  But for me, every piece of chocolate that I devour (and lets face it, no one can eat just one), is another day/week/month of working my ass off post-pregnancy with my jogging stroller to get my body back.  No, I don't have body image issues ... I eat what I want, whenever I want, but I am acutely aware of my health and what it means for my future, my hubby's future, and my kids/grand-kids future to have me around and healthy. And frankly, I also know how great I feel when I've been taking care of myself, and I feed off of that (no pun intended)


A great piece of evidence that came to me from a fellow preggo to supports my theory that non-preggos think they can make any and all comments they want:

"This guy at work came up to me this morning and said: "You look great! You're glowing!" and then followed up with this statement: "That was good, right?! It's better than saying, "Wow. You look way bigger!!""

So ... it's not just me!! That being said ... here are some of the interesting ways that non-preggo's have addressed me in the recent days/weeks.  Lets have a learning session, shall we?


"You've Popped!" ~ This may possibly be the most popular "you're looking huge" comment I've received, and likely, my least favorite.  Thanks for noticing. I guess I've answered your question as to whether or not I was just "letting myself go", or if I was actually pregnant.  Now you have your answer.


"You've Got a Little Belly!"~ This is just a downright lie.  If I had a "little belly" you wouldn't be saying anything.  I have a big belly, and you're trying to sugarcoat it by saying that it's little.  Nice try, but you're not fooling me!


"You've Blossomed!" ~ this was creative, and threatened to throw me off guard for a moment, but it didn't.  Blossomed ... really? is that what you'd call THIS?? (hands on belly like Chunk about to do the Truffle Shuffle)


"You Look Great!" (with eyes wide opened and starting at my stomach) ~ ladies, do you like it when a man stares at your boobs and not at your face?  Same idea. Words mean nothing if your eye-language is saying something different.


"Is that a maternity shirt?" ~ you're either asking because you think I need to be wearing maternity clothes, or you don't know what else to say about my protruding abdomen that is threatening to shoot a button into your forehead. Bulls-Eye!!!

"OMG!! Just in the last few weeks!!!" ~ this means that you're astonished to see how quickly I am able to pack on the lbs and transform myself into Marshmallow Man's squishy mistress.

And my favorite I've saved for last.  This is the short dialogue I had with a complete stranger.  I was semi-excited because it was the first stranger who, out of nowhere, asked me when I was due.  It was a sort of, confirmation, that I might actually look pregnant, and not just chubby.  While signing in at the registration desk at a work conference, the young and beautiful girl smiles at me and begins with,

Stupid Girl: "Oh my gosh, when are you due?" 

Preggo, smiling ear to ear: "October 11th!!"

Stupid Girl: "Oh wow! ... huh ... <pauses> You're awful ROUND for October!!!!"

.... yes.  I am apparently "awful round" ... ROUND!!!!!  In her evaluation of me, I'm too round to possibly be due in October.  Clearly I am going to have this baby any minute now.  They may have to abruptly put a halt to the conference because my water is clearly about to break and they will have to deliver the baby right there in the auditorium.  You know what, while she's at it, she better be safe and notify security, the local clinicians, and the janitor to keep them on stand-by for this one.  

The moral of this story is ... there is only ONE way to address a pregnant woman, and I learned it from the most random source you can find.  My family's pizza man.  Yes ... every Friday night for as long as the dinosaurs have been around (or since cheese met dough, whichever came first), we've have had "Friday Pizza Night" at my parent's house.  A quick plug to Pizza King in Lawrence ... The.Best.Pizza.Ever! John, the owner, is probably the last person on the planet whom I would have thought would have the answer for all sweating, bloated, uncomfortable pregnant women everywhere .... seriously. If I wasn't afraid that he, or someone he knew would read this and then come murder me in my sleep, then I would go into detail describing him, but those of you who know him, know why this is so shocking. And those of you who don't know him ... well ... for the sake of my unborn little man, I'll describe him the next time I see you in person ... as long as you're not wearing a wire.

Last Friday while with my dad picking up The.Best.Pizza.Ever, John came out from the back of the kitchen and stood next to me and his eyes did a BRIEF (very key here) belly glance, and he looked me in the eyes and said, in probably the most genuine of all voices,

"There is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman.  You look great!"

omg are you serious?  Someone give this man a piece of The.Best.Pizza.Ever, or better yet, a good hug and a cold beer.  THAT is how you address a pregnant woman who feels uncomfortable in her new chocolate infused, pumpkin body with turtle-like reflexes.  Who would have thought the pizza man had all the answers?

For my preggo-brain "Instance of the Week", I've got a quick one for you.  While getting my gestational diabetes test (routine test the doctor has you take to make sure you are not at a risk for diabetes), I was asked to drink this sugary drink that was surprisingly tasty...it tasted like an iced cold lemon-lime drink.  When, however, the phlebotomist asked me how it tasted, I said, "It's surprisingly very good!! The only thing that would make this better is if it were mixed with some vodka!".  Well, apparently joking about drinking isn't as funny to the maternity phlebotomist as it is with any other person on earth! I should have guessed.  She looked at me as if she was 2 seconds away from calling Child Protective Services. Awesome move, Lisa. 

Onto the baby ... this week, he is the size of an Eggplant, and weighs somewhere around 2lbs! 

How far along? 25 Weeks, 3 Days
Countdown: 14 Weeks, 4 Days (I thought this was an interesting fact to add)

Total weight gain: 15lbs+  thank you anonymous office enemy

Maternity clothes? Yes, I went to Destination Maternity in Natick and got a whole bunch of clothes.  I'm finding that I don't have any casual "summer" clothes like t-shirts and tank tops that fit over my tummy, so I had to stock up.  The shirt I'm wearing in the picture this week is from there! But, happily, I am still in much of my regulary non-maternity clothes, too.

Stretch marks? nope, still stretch-free!

Sleep: ahh nope ... getting up too often to pee, or because Charlie is hogging the bed.

Best moment this week: The cleaning lady came for the FIRST TIME! It was the best money we've spent in a long time, in my opinion.  It was such a relief to look around and know that I didn't have anything to do with the house all weekend! Marge "the cleaning lady" is now coming every other Friday!!

Miss Anything? good exercise ...walking doesn't cut it.

Movement: Yup!!! Dave was even able to see my tummy move from the outside this week!

Food Cravings: I craved a hot dog this week.  mmmmm ... thank you, summer. But I should mention that cousin Ashley got a kick out of hearing me talk about my recent love affair with Watermelon.  I'm officially obsessed with it, and it's very random for me!

Anything making you queasy or sick: nope!

Gender: BOY!

Labor Signs: Nope!

Symptoms: Not anything I can think of.  My gums were even better this week
Belly Button in or out? in... still ... but barely!  It's pretty flat, with a hint of innie left!
Wedding rings on or off? on

Happy or Moody most of the time: Feeling great! and apparently "ROUND"! grrr
Looking forward to: continuing work on the nursery so I can post pictures for everyone!